http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=612

Enjoy. (Thanks, Cait.)

You're 12 today. Time flies.

The expression "Child Restraint Laws" makes me laugh hysterically.

That is all.

No, really! AAAAAAH!

Don't engage in a duel. I'm not sayin'! I'm just sayin'...

(I love my job... it makes me stumble across some great stuff... including weirdass laws still on the books. This was an accidental stumble. I was looking for attempted murder laws/sentencing guidelines...)

CHAPTER 265. CRIMES AGAINST THE PERSON

Chapter 265: Section 3. Duel; wound without and death within state; venue

Section 3. An inhabitant or resident of this commonwealth who, by previous appointment or engagement made within the same, fights a duel outside its jurisdiction, and in so doing inflicts a mortal wound upon a person whereof he dies within the commonwealth shall be guilty of murder within this commonwealth, and may be indicted, tried and convicted in the county where the death occurs.

Chapter 265: Section 4. Accessory in duel

Section 4. An inhabitant or resident of this commonwealth who, by previous appointment or engagement made within the same, becomes the second of either party in such duel and is present as a second when a mortal wound is inflicted upon a person whereof he dies within this commonwealth shall be an accessory before the fact to murder in this commonwealth, and may be indicted, tried and convicted in the county where the death occurs.

INT. BABY'S NURSERY -- DAY

ELENFAIR (30s, screenwriter, harried, perpetually on a deadline) sits with her laptop on the rocking ottoman. Her BABY (4 months and a half, cute but loud as sin) plays on the floor on her play-mat.

BABY
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGL!

ELENFAIR
Inside voice!

The baby kicks at a toy and giggles loudly. Elenfair tries to concentrate on her screenplay

BABY
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Baby kicks he suspended lady bug in the face, then the iguana square in the nuts.

BABY (CONT'D)
WAAAAAAARGL, apguh.

ELENFAIR
Deadlines! I've got deadlines! For the love of all that's holy, inside voooooooice! Mommy's blowing things up! See? Car chase! Terrorists! KABOOM!

BABY
AAAAAAAH HA HA HA HA AAAAAAAAAH!

The iguana takes another kick to the testicles but seems none the worse for wear. Elenfair decides it's better to just keep writing and avoid the wrath of the 4 month old who, by chance, passes out for a nap about 10 minutes after vigorous working out, the beak of a stuffed chicken between her gums.

... gay marriage will lead to sex with ducks, said Pat! Garfunkel and Oats respond with this gem:

Valen, Mommy drinks because you cry like a needy son of a bitch (may Tulie rest in peace)...

Here yous be. I won't bother to post ABC's cuz ABC just sucks donkey balls ;)

( To the good stuff! )

Oh boy. It's getting hot everywhere. NBC has pulled some doozies.

Cancelled by NBC:
My Name is Earl
Medium (wtf? CBS, which has stakes in the show, is furious and is contemplating picking it up.)

News from CBS:
Renewed:
Numb3rs
How I Met Your Mother
New Adventures of Old Christine
Gary Unmarried
Cold Case


Cancelled
Without A Trace
Eleventh Hour (a shame -- it was starting to get legs)



( NBC's Schedule )

As per Finke and insiders -- returning shows won't be notified until tomorrow (unless we already have orders). New pickups:

The Good Wife
Miami Trauma
Three Rivers
Undercover Boss (reality show)
Accidentally on Purpose
and the new NCIS Spinoff.

Notifications for these pickups is going out today. Go team.

Well, Fox has released its schedule.

Dollhouse is still in the deathslot.

Win some, lose some.

( click here to see Fox's fall/midseason 2009-10 schedule )

The powers that be at CBS renewed Cold Case after all. Things ain't lookin' hot for Without a Trace either.

Fox pulled the plug on TSCC. No huge surprise there. I'm sorry, Gabe!

ABC nuked The Unusuals.

More later, I'm sure, with upfronts.

1) I have stigmata of the eyes. CHRIST EYES! Woo. I made it to this ripe old age without glasses. Well, it caught up to me. Hell, it caught up to me before my thirties but I turned a blind eye to it (my left one which, I was told by the kindly Dr. Kennedy, is a little "cloudy")... but the headaches and the strain were getting to me enough that I had to do something about it. Damn it! ::: shakes fist ::: Segue, logically to:

2) Time to channel my inner Liz Lemon and go eat soy butter right out of the jar. I'd eat peanut butter, but one round of anaphylaxis a week is enough for me, plus I'm down to three working epipens and one unbruised thigh.

3) Speaking of: I learned, this week, that birth control measures can -- nay, WILL -- kill you if they choose to. I'm thinking this could make a cool premise for a reality show. Fuck procedurals and dramas! Right in the EAR! I'm packaging up this idea and taking it to FOX this fall! Survivor: Planned Parenthood, here I come! (Interpret that in as MANY ways as you wish.)

4) Naturally, this brings up the fact that three month olds are insanely fun to puppeteer. Today, Eleanor sat on my tummy while I flopped on the floor. I voiced her over, in French, "film noir" style. She was "Nor Travis, détective privé", driving a German-designed car on the autobahn. Manual transmission, of course. She occasionally had to roll down her window to shout insults (in german, french, italian, you never know, on the autoban, who you'll bump into!) and flip people off. I think we flipped off Benedict in his popemobile at one point (what he was doing near Berne, I'll never know!), but we won't tell my inlaws about that. We got into one major accident when we ran over a turtle somewhere outside Vienna -- but not to worry, the airbags deployed.

5) On the topic of airbags and windbags: Bones has been renewed for a fifth season. Hart just got confirmation of this. Yay for Bones fans. Not sure why I made that free-association, there, other than the season finale blew chunks, mostly. Holy copouts in spades, batman. Righto. Carrying on.

And on these words of wisdom, I'm gonna go write.. Mama needs to blow stuff up now.

13 episode pickup official. Congrats Joss. Here's to hoping for something other than a deathslot.

So, Amy gets me to share my "NPR name" (From NPR: The rules: Take the first letter of your middle name and insert it anywhere you'd like in your first name. And then your last name is the smallest foreign town you've ever visited. Presto: You too can compete with Korva Coleman, Lakshmi Singh and Mandalit del Barco.)

And we get to chatting about the smallest towns we've visited.

The interesting thing about Caerwys is that while it's wee town in northern Wales, it has an interesting American connection. In fact, it proves my Great Welsh Conspiracy theory (!) -- the Welsh are Everywhere, and they're out to get you.

As it turns out, when William Penn sailed to America, he was accompanied with a charming welsh doctor, Thomas Wynne. Wynne became a provincial judge and the first speaker of the provisional assembly. He was one of the founding fathers of Philadelphia and behind a lot of the city's planning. Because of this, Philly's street plan followed almost the exact pattern as that of Caerwys... and some of Philadelphia's oldest buildings are very close in style and construction as those of the little welsh town. Nifty stuff. You'll also find a whack of welsh names in the city of brotherly lurve... not to mention every Wynne-whatevers in PA (Wynnewood, Wynnefield, and so on!)

Not bad for a little town of ~1350, give of take...